HART: With all the wars and destruction, here are some news items we missed

Thanks to the buffoons, reprobates, hypocrites and scalawags who make my job easier, it has been an epic year for humor. Here is my annual ADD list of random things that I am thankful, and not so thankful, for this year:

  • AAA predicts that 49.1 million Americans will take to the roads with their families to visit relatives for Thanksgiving. It also predicts that upwards of 8 million of them will still be talking to each other on the drive home.
  • The NFL continued to flex its “woke” muscles. If just one more end zone is spray painted “End Racism” by BLM, that ought to do the trick. The Washington Redskins are now the Commanders. Not long ago the NBA Washington Bullets became the Washington Wizards. And the NFL should outlaw the shotgun formation, the run and gun offense, and any quarterback with a rifle arm who can throw the bomb. Yet with all the word play, NFL fan violence is on the rise. Fights between fans in stadiums are escalating. I went to the San Francisco 49’ers versus Tennessee Titans game and saw four San Francisco fans attack one Titans fan. Three of the San Fran male fans jumped him and held him down while the other fixed his hair.
  • Great news for folks who don’t get good news! Goldman Sachs no longer wants MBA students because they are so poisoned by too much college. Elite campuses are protesting for Palestine. College edu-crats continue to diminish the value proposition of a college education by running up costs, stifling opposing free speech and espousing liberal dogma. They don’t want to be “judged.” The college rating system based on cost and quality of education has been abandoned. Now we are back to the rating system we have always used: the College Football Playoff rankings.
  • To the woke lefties pushing a two-state Palestine solution: They already have two states, Michigan and New York.
  • Wars abound under Biden, and our defense industry loves it. Just imagine looking into the sky and watching all the military equipment you sold our allies being blown up. Cha Ching! And the leaders of Ukraine, Russia, Palestine, and Israel are stepping up their war powers by suspending elections. You know, so they can continue their fight for democracy.
  • The cosmetic surgery industry is busy this time of year. There is so much Botox in Los Angeles that men now have atrophy wives.
  • Dr. Anthony Fauci “retired.” He does get money, security, and a personal driver from taxpayers. Fortunately, he was retired by public opinion.
  • We can thank Robert Kennedy Jr. for putting pressure on Fauci. Since Biden will not give RFK Jr. Secret Service protection, he might go down in history as the first Kennedy to outlive his female accusers.
  • The value of Elvis Presley’s estate grows. His Smith and Wesson pistol was sold at auction for more than $200,000. I know that sounds like a lot, but it can also be used as a remote to turn off your TV.
  • Representative Santos of NY and Senator Menendez of New Jersey have again been caught taking money. If either of them gets married again next year and you want to get them a wedding gift, keep in mind they are registered at the House Appropriations Committee/Senate Finance Committee respectively.
  • Major League Baseball had a great year. The Texas Rangers, the only team that did not have a transgender night, won the World Series. Reds’ rookie sensation Elly de la Cruz set a record by stealing second base, third base, and home plate on just two pitches. It reminds us why we love baseball; unlike Washington D.C. politics, if you get caught stealing in baseball, you are out!
  • Biden gave a speech at the UN this year. It was well received, as delegates are used to despotic leaders delivering UN speeches in incoherent English.
  • The GOP played musical chairs with its leadership, almost causing a government shutdown. Democrats cried. They said not funding the government would shut down the NIH, FBI, NSA, TSA, and IRS. Look Democrats, you do not have to sell me. You had me at “shut down.”
  • With COVID and our terrible public schools, far too many people are sending their kids to private schools. Dear parents, I do not want to hear another word about your son’s prep school swim team race unless it was cut short by a shark attack.
  • The supply chain finally unclogged. My car had been making an annoying screeching noise for months, and I finally took it in and got it fixed. They took out the Spotify Taylor Swift songs and replaced them with Stevie Ray Vaughan’s.