HART: England is just like America, so much so it has a woke left

We just visited Mother England. It is just like America, only whiter. I went there with eight buddies. All together we were whiter than a Dave Matthews concert in a snowstorm.

One of the guys from Georgia on the trip (an accomplished drunk named Fortnight who slept multiple nights in his roommate’s shower with the water running) keenly observed, “From what I’ve seen in movies, I really thought we would have met more chimney sweeps in England.”

We played golf for five days. The weather was nice, in the 50s each day. It never dipped into the teens or, as it should be called here, “Prince Andrew weather.”

The exchange rate for the pound sterling is about 1.3 pounds to the U.S. dollar. It is the same for women. A woman in the USA who is a 7 would be about a 9 here. Their currency is stronger than ours, but our women are much stronger than theirs.

The exchange rate on women in the U.K. goes a long way in explaining how Queen Camilla got King Charles. Kudos to American women — we all appreciate you (and American dentistry) more now.

Many Americans are not sure about King Charles, formerly known as Prince. It is hard to take the measure of the man. And even if we could, the U.K. is on the metric system, so Americans would not know what to make of the measurement.

We do know that King Charles contracted COVID a few times; many think this was caused by all that hand shaking he had to do. But our own Anthony Fauci and the CDC have maintained he got COVID from sleeping with an old bat. Do not get mad at me, people. That is just science and, as we are told by Democrats, “The science is settled.” Never question it or you will look stupid.

King Charles succeeded his mother, Queen Elizabeth II, who was a bad ass. She kept the royal family ducks in a row. The Queen was “Old Gangster,” and we loved her.

Queen Elizabeth did not like it when Meghan Markel, a B-level U.S. TV actress, distracted Prince Harry and the royals with her whimpering and clamoring for media attention. The royals are keeping an eye on her in America; they realize no one will buy that whole “car crash in a tunnel” story again. So they have reached out to our CIA, FBI and Hillary Clinton for some fresh new ideas to get rid of Meghan. Stay tuned.

There is a symmetry between the United States and England. I really like the English, and I totally see why we have fought all these unnecessary wars together these last 75 years. We say to them, “Hey we are going to fight Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan and Ukraine.” They ask. “Why, and to what end?” We say, “Well we really are not sure, but basically because we want to,” and they say, “OK guys, we are in.” And that is now called international diplomacy. The USA’s international code name is “Quagmire.”

Since breaking away, and certainly since the War of 1812, we have gotten along well with the Brits. I learned more about that war here, in which New England actually sided with Great Britain against the United States. Most woke kids today know little of that war, and most could not even tell you in what year it occurred. Britain sailed up the Chesapeake, freed fifty thousand slaves and burned down the White House. We lost that war so badly that to this day our government calls it a tie.

They are facing the woke left in England the same way we are in the United States, but they are more tethered to their shared history. The Anglican Communion church leaders met a while back and decided to suspend the American Episcopal Church for sanctioning gay marriage and female priesthood. It split the church in two: one will have an active gay community in their church and the other an awful choir.

Britain is the home of James Bond, a real man’s man who is a hero and had lovers and fatalities over his movie career. I read where, in the history of Bond movies, he bedded fifty women and killed one hundred villains. Yet he aged. This teaches us an important reality: Certain guns take more time to reload than others.