By Heather Rotan, MS, LPC
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”
We’ve probably all heard this old saying at some point or another. The question, however, is whether or not this is a true statement, especially when harsh words are coming from a parent.
Research has shown that the impact of verbal/emotional abuse has the same effect on a child as physical (even sexual) abuse in most cases (Cromie, 2007). There has been strong evidence to show that people who grew up with verbal/emotional abuse are more likely to struggle with depression, anxiety, addiction, and other emotional struggles in adulthood.
Developmental research shows that how a parent talks to their kid becomes that kid’s internal voice. Children gain their self-identity from their parents, so if they are frequently treated harshly or negatively, they will then have a very negative view of themselves.
A study done by Ney, PG. quoted that “Because children tend to identify with their parents, the verbal abuse by their parents becomes a way in which they then abuse themselves” (Ney, 1987).
So, what causes words to be so impactful? Basically, our brains are wired to protect us from potential threats and therefore process negative experiences differently than positive ones. Our negative experiences are stored in a way that makes it easier for us to bring up those memories so that we can be prepared to handle threatening situations. So painful memories are typically easier to recall the details of compared to more positive memories.
This process can make it easier to stay alive when in real danger but doesn’t necessarily help us feel happy or enjoy our lives. This also means that negative experiences are more impactful to us and therefore have to be outweighed by positive experiences to balance it out.
A famous developmental psychologist named John Gottman even put a ratio of 5:1 on that idea…with 1 negative experience needing 5 positive experiences to balance it out and make the positive more impactful (Streep, 2016).
So, all in all, there is years of research to back up the idea that verbal/emotional abuse can be just as detrimental to children as physical or sexual abuse and can cause lasting effects on their ability to manage emotions, self-identity, and future functioning.
If you or a loved one need help navigating through the pain of trauma, abuse, or any other mental health struggle contact us at Samaritan Center, 432-563-4144. We now also offer both counseling and psychiatric services.
