By Dr. Lindsey Balderaz
There is a widespread and heated debate among parent groups regarding how soft or how hard to parent. Many see “tough” parenting as oppressive and stifling. Others criticize parents who clear the pathway to ensure their child doesn’t face obstacles or experience failure. Some view soft parenting as a way of undermining grit and perseverance in children and replacing these skills with entitlement.
Developmental and behavioral research tell us that the best option lies somewhere in the middle: not too hard and not too soft. When children face a task that is too challenging for them and they do not experience any success or progress, they will lose motivation and give up after several failed attempts.
When a child is successful without giving much effort, they miss the opportunity to gain the resilience needed for future challenges. They may develop the belief that success should come easy or they “deserve” their desired outcome regardless of effort.
The best way to avoid these polar outcomes is to find the “sweet spot” between effort and challenge. When engaging in a game or task with your child, if you are worried that it may be too challenging, the best solution is to scaffold, or build in some supports to help them get to their desired goal, while still having to give sufficient effort. The scaffold does not do the work for the painter, it just supports them as they paint.
Take a few moments before you begin the game or activity to think through how much effort will be required and if you think your child is capable of being successful independently when they put forth maximum or sufficient effort. If you see your child struggling, rather than abandoning the task or complete it for them, have a discussion with your child about the need to have grit and to preserve when we face challenges. You may want to share examples when you had to preserve a challenge or examples from historical or figures who overcame challenges.
Encourage your child not to give up, even when the task requires maximum effort. Then, support as they complete the task at hand giving the appropriate amount of effort for their developmental level. As a parent, it is ultimately up to you to decide how much effort your child should give before receiving a reward or experiencing success. Balancing out the child’s need for continued motivation and the need to develop perseverance is challenging, but working to find the sweet spot for your child will help them gain the confidence and the life skills they need to successfully overcome obstacles in the future.
