Romance isn't just about the roses

I think many dictionaries get it wrong when it comes to defining romance.

The Oxford American Dictionary defines it several ways. Romance is "a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love." It can be "a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement and remoteness from everyday life."

Merriam-Webster defines romance as trying "to influence or curry favor with especially by lavishing personal attention, gifts or flattery."

During my graduate-level human development class, we recently had a discussion about romance. Many of the women — mostly married with children — agreed romance doesn’t have to follow either the dictionary definition or the ideas portrayed in media and society.

Sometimes romance can be vacuuming the house or unloading the dishwasher, which — at least to some of us — seemed much more meaningful and helpful than cut flowers.

Why does romance need to include mystery, excitement and remoteness from life? It just doesn’t make sense to me. Romance isn’t limited to first dates and affairs.

Sometimes when the grocery store offers snow crab legs at a good price, I buy two pounds and steam them up for my boyfriend and me. We melt some butter and open a cheap bottle of white wine. We put everything on a towel on the floor, sit cross legged and let the mess begin.

That’s our idea of romance. It might not be an everyday occurrence, but it doesn’t seem remote from our lives. We do things like this all the time. And it certainly doesn’t involve any mystery or any excitement beyond what we feel when eating our favorite foods.

About a year ago, I read about a woman who described the relationship she had with her husband in their arranged marriage. She had said she barely knew him when they got married. However, she was perfectly content after many years together.

Her relationship with her husband didn’t begin as a hot flame that burned down slowly. It began with a few sparks and heated up to a blaze. It seems to me like she was onto something.

Romance shouldn’t be limited to throwing gunpowder on a flame, creating a temporary and fleeting way to feel passion. Don’t get me wrong. It’s perfectly fine for people to try to bring back the same passion they had years ago by reliving some of their dating experience, etc.

However, that seems like a losing battle. Successful couples should expect their futures to be better than their pasts instead of vice versa. And the definition of romance should include the things couples do to keep the fire going steady along the way.

Sometimes my boyfriend and I walk our puppy at the park. Sometimes we sit near each other and read. Sometimes we go out with friends and find ourselves sharing a thought with each other without using words, just body language.

These things help us feel the connection we have with each other in our everyday lives. They demonstrate the good communication we constantly work to keep. The awkwardness and stomach butterflies at the beginning of our relationship morphed into moments when we feel really blessed by each other’s companionship.

Is it romance? Not according to dictionary. But I’m inclined to disagree.