Grief holidays

The holidays bring up visions of candy, turkey and family. Meant to be a time for joy, some instead suffer through a period of grief and sadness, either because of the loss of a loved one or some other traumatic experience.

Grief author Harold Ivan Smith recently spoke to a group of grieving people at CrossRoads Fellowship about how to get through the holidays even when dealing with the loss of a loved one.

He said grief is all too real a problem during the winter holiday season, sometimes due to a recent loss or a loss where people realize they will be spending their first holiday without a person.

“When a person dies, it can be a critical loss for people to face because the holidays are so focused on families,” Smith said. “Often the person who died was sort of the family glue.”

He said family issues can arise because some don’t see a need to get together at the holidays and may want to change the celebration, while others want to keep things the way they are. As people grieve, the holidays can quickly turn negative.

“It’s supposed to be rewarding and joyful, but sometimes it just gets draining,” Smith said.

Those struggling through the holidays can almost become overwhelmed as the holidays approach. Christmas trees are already in stores and music will soon be playing over store intercoms. He cited an example of one lady who had a meltdown in a shopping center because she just happened to hear her recently deceased husband’s favorite Christmas song on the radio.

Smith called for understanding on the part of friends and others, saying they can often hinder a person’s healing.

“People disenfranchise grief, telling people to ignore it and have a good time. At the same time, the second holiday season can often be the worst because the level of support may not be there for somebody who had a lot of help the first time,” he said.

For Josh Box, the grief is still fresh after losing his young son a year-and-a-half ago. The boy wasn’t even a year old at the time.

Another tragedy struck when his wife left him a couple of months later.

“I realized this has been suppressed. I needed to do something and want to know how to get through this,” he said.

He said he is starting to learn how he can still live his life.

“It’s OK to keep going,” he said.

Lisa Redfern is also grieving after losing her granddaughter this year to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Her struggle through the holidays started with Halloween.

“You don’t want to see the babies in costume. I didn’t want to see the holidays, but I need to start healing myself to help my son,” she said.

Darren Clark said he feels pretty good considering the tragedies he has undergone around the holiday time frame. His father died seven years ago on Dec. 23, and his father-in-law died around Thanksgiving four years ago. Two weeks later, his mom died.

“If I wasn’t living it, I wouldn’t believe it myself,” Clark said.

Smith said death isn’t the only form of grief. Sometimes a family may mourn for the loss of tradition, such as when a newly married son or daughter leave to spend the holidays with the in-laws. Others may become depressed due to job loss or the economy in general.

In all types of grief, he said it’s critical that people recognize the problems first and take the time to mourn during the holidays.

At the same time, he said it’s important to focus on what people can be thankful for at the holidays. The good things can help put the sorrow in perspective. Sometimes a different holiday routine can be a good idea as well.

“Sending out all those cards is not essential. You can buy fewer presents,” Smith said.

Much of Smith’s recent research focuses on how various presidents have dealt with a holiday of grief in the White House, such as when John F. Kennedy was killed. The White House staff was putting up the Christmas tree that day and had to take it down for mourning. New President Johnson eventually decided after the 30 days of mourning to have a small recognition for Christmas, but not as much as was typically done.

Smith said nobody can escape grief and sorrow during the holidays.

“Sooner or later, everybody gets impacted. Nobody gets a pass,” he said.