Families divided by faith

When many couples say, "I do," it's a mixture of love and faith - love developed in the other person and faith that it will last.
Add some strong differences in spiritual belief or firmly rooted religious background, and that mix can get even hairier.

After they've tied the knot, many newlyweds find their bliss dwindled to weather challenges of an interfaith marriage, but several families say it can be done.

COMPATIBILITY AND COMPROMISE

Odessans Hank and Berta Norton have been married for 44 years despite his Catholic upbringing and her devotion to the Churches of Christ - both claim Christianity within their church's different leanings.

The stigma of interfaith relationships has subsided within the past 20 years, but the Nortons recalled their own rocky start with family opposition.

"My father didn't give me away and my sister wouldn't stand up with me at my wedding, so I would say it was pretty negative," Berta said. "Since then, it's been more accepted though."

In the beginnings of the marriage, Berta admits that she tried to persuade Hank to believe her way and attend her church, but it didn't work and he wouldn't budge.

Hank was also discouraged because his wife wouldn't see things his way, although she did agree to have a Catholic wedding in addition to their first one.

"We got married in her church and about six years later we got married in my church - we got both ends covered," the husband said.

One of the biggest hurdles that interfaith couples encounter is the issue of raising children and which church or temple they will attend.

Berta took their two children to a Church of Christ growing up, but negative talk about Catholics from the pulpit turned her daughter off of the denomination altogether - mostly because her father and grandparents followed that church.

The Norton's daughter became Methodist later on and their son is currently considering a Catholic faith, they said.

The two still have religious discussions about their differences in faith, but they focus on the similarities with an understanding of compromise.

"We talk about the differences and I don't try to convince her and she doesn't try to convince me," Hank said. "She goes to her church and I go to mine."

He attends St. Ann's Catholic Church in Midland while she goes to New Life Church in Odessa.

"We're compatible - I go to Mass with him at Christmas and he attends some social events at my church," Berta said. "I think the whole thing is to accept your spouse and not try to force your opinions on them."

QUESTIONS ARE KEY

Rabbi Steven Mason, a Reform Rabbi with a background in family therapy and pastoral counseling, agreed that integration and acceptance of diversity is crucial in the home.

Mason operates the interfaithmarriages.com website and performes interfaith marriage ceremonies around the Hartford, Conn. area - mostly indentifying Jews who are marrying a Hindu or Christian of various brands.

"Their religion is a function of their identities and what they bring to (the marriage) - a lot of it comes from family backgrounds," he said.

Because society is more secularized today, Mason said personal beliefs are more readily blended with a spouse's view.
"The tension isn't there as badly as it was 20 or so years ago - religion isn't as important for many people," he said.

There are some important questions that he does ask lovebirds though: Is anybody in your family pressing somebody to convert? What are your gut feelings? How will your children be raised in a religion?

Like many cultural or ethnic differences, Mason said the magnitude of spiritual clashes often depends on the firmness and religious loyalty of the parties involved and their vision of a family dynamic.

Many people face the problem of not knowing what their church really teaches, he said, while others are heavily involved through affiliation, participation and identification in their faith.

"If someone hits into all three of those, then you know that they're really into it," Mason said. "People who have a better understanding of their own religion have a better chance of learning about the other one as well."

AN OPPOSING VIEW

The Rev. Michael Mueller, pastor of Odessa's Lutheran Church of the Risen Lord, said he couldn't think of any interfaith families in his church because he's against it. He preaches a spiritual unity for married couples.

"You need to pick one and go together - families need to go to church together," he said. "If they want to get married in our church, they have to have premarital counseling beforehand."

Mueller said that separating for church services is a violation of two principles: the headship of the home and the oneness of marriage.

"The husband and wife relationship is the reflection of the image of God in that oneness," he said. "To go to two different churches violates that."

LOVE IN ALL THINGS

Midlanders Gary and Mary Nell Willis have been married for two years and feel like they're part of the same church although they attend separate groups.

A second marriage for both, Gary was raised Church of Christ and attends New Life Church - his wife converted to the Latter Day Saints from Methodism about 30 years ago.

"One of the key understandings that we have is that God has only got one church and everybody who says Jesus as their lord is part of that church," Gary said. "Anybody who is a Christian is part of that church no matter what the name is on the door."

The Willises often cross paths because of work schedules, but Mary Nell made church with her husband for Easter Sunday. Although Gary has never attended an LDS service, she's confident he'll visit the meetings sometime.

"I would say that we're both really flexible about what the other one wants to do," she said. "We're both trying to live a good Christian life to get back to heaven."

When they do discuss church doctrine, Mary Nell said the pair finds common ground in their belief in Jesus and his command to love one another.

"It's usually issues that we can't really define for sure one way or the other," she said. "We realize that there isn't a definite answer -so much of it is my opinion or Gary's opinion."

Mary Nell's daughter attends a Baptist Church, which adds even more religious diversity to the mix.

Gary said the key to harmony is finding unity on core teachings, diversity for opinions and in all things, love.

"We need to focus on the things that we have in common," he said. "Let's just agree to disagree - family should be able to get along."