Parents should remember ‘listen’ is an action verb

Probably the No. 1 complaint that I hear from children and teenagers is that their parents don't listen to them.

However, many parents would agree that their children don't listen to them either.

Active listening can help. It lets parents and children know that what's being said is important and that the person saying it is also important. By listening to others, the message we're giving is that we support them.

Active listening entails focusing on the speaker while suspending judgments and emotional reactions.

Following are some steps to improve your active listening skills:

Some of the steps may sound simple, but they can be harder than you think, especially if you're upset or angry with your child. First of all, get ready to listen. This means stop what you're doing and make eye contact with the person who's talking. By making eye contact you're letting the other person know you're paying attention. This may mean sitting or even kneeling down to get at eye level if you're listening to a child. Suspend your desire to teach. Rather create an open atmosphere and try to suspend judgment about the content of the conversation. Just listen to what is being said.

Secondly, hear the message behind the words. This includes being aware of nonverbal cues, body language and tone of voice. Often children don't have the words to accurately express their feelings and nonverbal communication may tell us as much or more than what was actually said. You may have to deal with some anger, resentment or reluctance to open up, especially if there's been a problem with communication in the past.

Thirdly, understand what's being said. This means try to put yourself in your child's place and understand their perspective. This doesn't mean you have to agree, but you need to try to understand it. As parents, we often lose sight of what it was like to be a child or teenager and forget that the problems we may think are insignificant can be overwhelming to them.

Finally, respond to what's being said. Try to let the child know you understand by paraphrasing or rephrasing, by reflecting back what you think you're hearing. If you're not getting what's being said, they'll probably correct you and this can lead to further dialogue. Ask questions that will help you to understand. The main thing you're trying to accomplish is to let the child know that you're really listening and are interested in them, their opinions and what they have to say.

Active listening is not easy and requires patience. However, it's a strategy for supporting and understanding your children that can be learned. It's not always convenient to drop what we're doing and listen to our children. Often parents are distracted with their own thoughts, preoccupied with problems or busy with chores. If you can learn this skill, it can greatly improve communication and ultimately the relationship you have with your children.

Because active listening needs to be practiced, you might try practicing with a friend or co-worker first until you feel comfortable with your new skill.

The trust we feel in relationships is often built on the fact that we first felt heard and understood by the other person.

Remember, practice, practice, practice and you will be successful.

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centers
>> Centers for Children and Families is a nonprofit agency dedicated to building strong, healthy families in the Permian Basin.
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