Dealing with grief, loss during holidays
The Holidays can bring forth happy memories for most people, yet they also can be a reminder of the pain and sorrow of losing a loved one. While others get caught up in the “hustle and bustle” of the season, you might feel as frozen inside as the landscape is outside. It is extremely difficult to think about gifts, fun, parties and family when a loved one has died.
The first few years are probably the most difficult for you to get through, but it does get easier with time. Future holidays will never be exactly the same, yet new traditions and memories can be made. This can be a time to cherish your loved one and the memories you shared.
How in the world can this feeling of emptiness change? Will I ever be happy again? How do I get through the holidays?
First of all, know it is OK to grieve your loss and feel sad. Be prepared for a flood of memories that come with unpacking of holiday decorations and getting ready for the holidays. Tears might come when you least expect them. When they do come, have some tissues ready and don’t deny yourself the gift of healing tears. Try to find joy at this time and remember all the wonderful moments you shared with your loved one.
Also, accept your own limitations and listen to your “inner voice.” Don’t be pressured or tempted to immerse yourself into many holiday activities as a way to avoid the pain of your loss. Accept invitations and take on obligations only as you have the energy and desire to do them. You might even want to respond with “maybe” at this time. It is OK to say, “No,” or to even change your mind. If you just don’t feel you can do something, then don’t!
So much of the grieving process is focused on the emotional aspects of it, but it also includes spiritual and physical aspects. One way to re-define the holidays for you is to focus on the spiritual dimension of the holidays — focus on the underlying religious meanings. In the Christian tradition, Advent is a time for spiritual preparation. The season of hopeful anticipation can be filled with hope for a final reunion with your loved one in the life that comes. For Chanukah, you can remember the light your loved one has brought to your life. Candles are usually significant in most religious celebrations. So why not light a special candle in celebration of the life of your loved one?
Other traditions of religious ceremonies or your own family traditions do not have to stay the same for you. For example, as you are grieving, you might not have the physical energy to put up a full size Christmas tree. Yet, you could get a small potted pine tree and decorate it. You can find other ways to simplify things if it will help you cope. Do what you can and let it be enough.
Furthermore, don’t forget to take care of yourself physically. A grieving body is more susceptible to illness. Get plenty of rest and quality sleep. Also, eat a properly balanced diet. Don’t rely on fast/junk food just because it is convenient. And don’t forget to exercise. This will reduce stress and release the natural “feel-good” endorphins that you need. Don’t rely on excessive use of drugs and/or alcohol to regulate your mood. This will just postpone the painful feelings of loss, not eliminate them.
Finally, give yourself permission to be happy. It’s OK to feel good. Feeling good and laughing is your body’s way of letting you relax and let go of stress. This is a normal, healthy reaction. If you enjoy yourself at times, you are not being disrespectful to the memory of your loved one.
