BRIDAL Q&A: Feb. 12, 2012

Question: “I have been in weddings where we groomsmen paid for our own tuxedos and in weddings where the groom paid for them. What is appropriate? I am getting married this summer.”

Answer: Most often the groomsmen pay for their own attire, just like the bridesmaids. However, you need to consider several factors: how many groomsmen you are having, the distance your men must travel and the cost involved, if any of your men will have to rent more than one tuxedo (maybe he has a son who is also in the wedding), and the financial situation of your men (are they fresh out of college with no job, do they have four kids and a wife that must all fly to the wedding, etc.)

Communication is the key. You do not want participation in your wedding to be a hardship for anyone. When you invite someone to be a groomsman or usher, be prepared to tell them the cost. Look at tuxedos in advance, have a good idea of what the expense will be, and let the prospective groomsman know what his cost will be — more or less. Be sure to let him know that you understand if the cost is too great. Again, the last thing you want is to put pressure on someone to participate in the wedding and have it negatively affect his world.

That will only create hard feelings and wreck the friendship. The friendship is more important than his involvement in the wedding. You had the friendship before the wedding and you want to have it afterwards.

If you can afford to pay for some or all of the tuxedos rentals, that is great. Maybe you could pay a portion of everyone’s tuxedo rental? If you don’t have too many or the tuxedos are not too expensive, maybe you could pay for the entire rental? Just remember, what you do for one, you need to do for all. Keep it fair. The most notable exception would be if you pay for the ring bearer’s tuxedo and not the ushers or groomsmen. Most men will understand that and it still seems fair to everyone — all grown adults pay their own way.

Since you have been in several weddings, think about how you were treated. Now, think about how you would like to be treated. Treat your groomsmen (and everyone for that matter) how you would like to be treated. The Golden Rule just never goes out of style.